October 22, 2008 – The Wedding
Right… the wedding is posted. Nothing special… I’m afraid I waited so long to post that I think some of the wind went out of the stories. Sorry!
It could just be the fact that it’s a MILLION EFFING DEGREES in my apartment that’s stealing my blog-writing mojo! Seriously, it’s something like -1 C outside and my window air conditioner just kicked in! ALL the windows are wide open and I’m STILL sweating. This is RIDICULOUS. For someone who’s pretty much heat-phobic, THIS is not a good situation… I’d MUCH rather be a bit colder and wear a sweater than sweat to death INSIDE my apartment when it’s below zero outside! Yeesh.
Last night was AWFUL. I think I got about 2 hours of sleep and all day at work, people kept needling me about being half asleep. Obviously, they haven’t learned about poking the lion when she’s tired and woke up too late to have coffee before work!
September 21, 2008
Okay, so my friend Sarah’s wedding was yesterday and it was beautiful. Perfect weather, perfect dress… and she made sure to throw the bouquet when I was outside, thereby helping me to avoid the Single Woman’s Hell. Awesome!
Unfortunately, I am SO very hungover that I’m actually a little surprised that I managed to drive home without any major incidents. Therefore, any and all updating on the wedding will have to take place after I’ve had many, many more coffees, a shower AND a monster nap.
Sorry! Stay tuned..
September 9, 2008 – Wedding Woes
Back again… with whining. Enjoy! 
September 2, 2008 – I’m Baaaack!
Ya, sorry I’ve been neglecting my duties… but I DO have a new job and all. Not to mention a social life that seems to be gaining momentum (but only because it’s wedding season). This is honestly the first chance I’ve had to sit down and type something (I can’t do it at work anymore because I’m just too busy and there’s no chance to slack off… not to mention the fact that I have a quota to meet). So, sorry again, but really, it’s not like you’ve missed out on much.
I was at a wedding this past weekend, and the weekend before that, I was at a Bridal Shower (different weddings). The wedding was great (more on that in the post) and the shower was a blast. It was outside, at High Park, complete with silly games and all the requisite giggling included in a gathering of women, one of whom is getting married. At one point (near the end, when the Dads were picking up the gifts), a cop on horseback came clomping by, and one of the Dads shouted out, “Hey, are you giving rides on that thing?” as a joke. The cop stopped and talked for a bit (well, duh. It was a pavillion full of women!) and we made the Bride stand next to the horse and cop for photos. She’s afraid of horses, so imagine how well the photos came out – that, and the fact that she was about four feet away from it!
After the copper realized that it was a Bridal shower, he told us that he’d give us a GOOD photo (which is when I think the Bride began to worry that we’d hired a stripper – and her parents and future parents-in-law were there!) and told the bride to put her hand up by his thigh. I could actually SEE her thinking, “Oh my god!” but she did it… and he slapped a handcuff on her! 
We all died laughing and took about a million photos. Ah… good times.
July 31, 2008 – Free at Last!
Okay, something strange happened in my office the other day. We turned into a Mastercard commercial – you know, the one where everyone’s in sync and all boppy, until someone tries to pay, using a regular cheque instead of their Mastercard? It was STRANGE. I guess this is what happens when it rains for a week straight and then we get a sunny, warm day. “Don’t Be Cruel” came on the radio and, no joke, we were all chair-dancing and toe-tapping and humming. Even the cop from another Service that was here to review a file was humming! It’s such a strange vibe for this office that I actually had to pinch myself to make sure it was real… or maybe I should be looking for hidden cameras or something… Typical that my office would become fun just when I’m leaving…
So I learned something interesting today. First, did you know that Ernest Hemingway wrote for the Toronto Star? I know! I had no idea! Then I learned that when he lived in Toronto (and it sounds like it was for a really short time in 1920), he lived two streets away from me! Jeez, the more I learn about my neighbourhood, the cooler it is.
July 28, 2008 – Divided Loyalties in the Hammer
Did I miss a memo or something? Has the phrase “excuse me” been removed from the English language? Because it’s increasingly rare that I hear it. The other day, I was standing in line for my bus. There’s another bus line just past mine, and I guess people were trying to get to that line, therefore having to squeeze through my line. They COULD have conceivably walked AROUND my line, but no, they had to squeeze through. Normally, this squeezing doesn’t bother me – given that there’s enough room for a person to comfortably fit through without body-checking anyone else, and that they at least excuse themselves.
But on this day, I was standing behind a woman wearing a backpack, so I guess it looked like there was more room between us than there really was because people kept elbowing me out of the way and pushing their way through. I swear, it was as if there was a sign on my head that said, “Cross the line here!” Not one person excused themselves or even made enough eye contact as to be polite about it. Nope, they all shoved me out of the way because, don’t you know, THEIR sh*t is most important. Grrr.
While battling traffic on the highways this weekend, it dawned on me that along with “excuse me”, the “thank you wave” seems to have disappeared. It was horrendous traffic with a fair amount of lane changes (both mine and other peoples’). Not ONE of the people I let into my lane did the “thank you wave” or made any indication that I had just done them the favour of letting them in! Where did it go? Where did common courtesy go? Do people understand that I am in no way OBLIGATED to let them into my lane; that it’s a courteous thing for me to do for them? I guess not, judging by the number of wave-less people there are on the highway. Jerks!
Whenever I’m caught in ridiculous traffic, I always think of a little gadget we kids bought our father, years ago. It was called “The Eliminator” or something; it was a little black box that was adhered to the car’s dash. It had four or five buttons on the top of it and each made a different sound – one was a machine gun, one was a bomb-dropping whistle, one was a Star Trek death-ray sound… you get the idea.
Anyway, the point of this “Eliminator” was to help curb my father’s road rage (he would get ridiculously mad while driving, but it never actually affected HIS driving. Just his vocabulary – driving with my father is where I learned all the good swear words) and he actually USED it. Then one day, we noticed that the “Eliminator” wasn’t on Dad’s dash anymore, so we asked him where it had gone. “I used it” he told us. “Some mumblypeg cut me off in traffic, so I ripped it off the dash and threw it at him.” Ah, road rage can be so entertaining! 
July 24, 2008 – To Trial We Will Go
Sorry it’s taken so long for me to update the Update! It’s not like anything really interesting has been happening in my life, but work has gotten quite a bit busier, so it’s harder to slack off and write a post. Yes, just as my contract here is ending, I’m beginning to actually ENJOY it and understand the job, not to mention learning all sorts of new things that I should have been learning all year long. Of course, these are all things that I won’t be able to take with me to a new department, but whatever. At least I’ve learned SOMETHING.
So, I got a speeding ticket last June. I’m sure you’ll remember, because I was tickled about it. It was my first-ever ticket and I was foolishly thinking, “Oooh, a new experience!” Well, apparently it takes a year and a month for the Ontario courts to catch up with this sort of thing, because my court date was on Monday July 14th – a full year and 30 days after the ticket was issued. Typical. I retained legal counsel for the court date – which means that I paid my Uncle Tony a bottle of rum to come and defend me. Well… “defend” could be a misleading term…
July 8, 2008
It’s always a good thing to learn about yourself. For instance, in the last week I learned that I should NOT go drinking with my brother anymore. And that I’m allergic to penicillin. Oh, and my favourite thing, that I learned this morning? That my ass can and WILL swell up to mythic proportions if exposed to penicillin. And THEN, all 2.5 acres of it will begin to ITCH. Have I mentioned lately just how much I LOVE being me?
July 7, 2008
Yup, still feeling like crawling under a rock. I’m actually wondering if I should just move to Timbukthree, where no one knows me and I don’t have to live feeling like a complete fool (not to mention, strumpet). 
I won’t bother with the details… but suffice to say that, though it wasn’t Pepe that I embarrassed myself with, it was someone close enough to him that they had the same smarmy approach. Ugh. WHY do I fall for this sh&t? Oh, wait, I can tell you why – I was drinking while on allergy medication (to take care of the swelling and hives I got from the penicillin).
Note to self: NEVER drink while on allergy medication again. In fact, NEVER allow a boy into apartment again. EVER. Unless he’s put a ring on your left hand. Then maybe I’ll be able to show my face in public again. Ugh. Wasn’t I supposed to make these mistakes in my 20s? Christ. I guess I’m just the definition of “late bloomer”.
At least there’s one good thing about today – I can finally do laundry!
July 6, 2008
Oh my GODS. I can never go drinking with my brother ever again. NEVER! Apparently, I seem to have trouble keeping my hands to myself with his friends, and I keep falling for the same sh&t. Ugh. I want to crawl under a rock today.
July 4, 2008 – Missing the Anthem, Swelling & Little House of Odours
Okay, so there’s a bit of ranting in this post, so be prepared for it. Also, you should probably be prepared for whining (well, really, you’re reading MY blog, so you should be used to the whining by now) and lots of “poor me” action. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
July 1, 2008 (part II) – If I Ran the World, It Would Run Properly
Tumbleweedhouses – honestly, you NEED to check this out! I’m in LOVE with them – imagine buying a piece of property that would cost as much as (if not more than) a house. You could get property anywhere you like, and would probably end up with more land than if you had just bought a pre-made house. Then you plop a US$50,000 eco-friendly house on said land.
You can either choose to use it as a cottage, live in it permanently, or you could use it until you manage to get the funds together to build a larger house (or just buy a larger house kit from Tumbleweed!). You’d be like a modern homesteader!! (see the video from The Hour here) You would have to really, REALLY pare back on your knick-knacks (and possibly, your wardrobe), but the houses are SO cute! Okay, so living with another person in such a small house COULD get… stressful and possibly explosive. But really, who NEEDS all the space of a $500,000 house when you have a couple of acres to get lost on?
Random! I got home a few weeks ago from walking all over hell’s half-acre (tried to walk part of the way home from work, got hopelessly lost and ended up walking close to 5kms accidentally. In work shoes.) and found a flower from one of the bushes outside in my mail box. The little glass bit that usually says the apartment number on my mailbox is broken, so there’s a little open window in it that’s about an inch high and two inches across. Now, don’t misunderstand me – almost ALL the mailboxes have the same broken window, but none of THEM had a little flower stuck in theirs! AND, my mailbox is on the top row of boxes – a good 5 feet up. It’s a mystery! Ah, well, either way, it made me smile.
July 1, 2008 – Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing (Never Drink Again, Ever)
First – HAPPY CANADA DAY!
Okay, so the long-awaited post about Pepé and his general smarminess is finally ready to go. The strep throat seems to have abated, thank the Gods (fingers crossed – I thought I’d gotten over it already once before, but it came back), so I have actually had time to finish the marathon post. I also had to work on June 30th, along with two other suckers in my office and we all spent the whole day slacking off. I wrote this post.
Before you click to read it, you should know – it’s a bit… damning. Don’t worry, no dirty details or anything, but it’s LONG and doesn’t exactly paint a nice picture of me when I’m lonely, drunk and presented with a boy who’s exhibiting (however false) interest in me. Ya, I’m kind of pathetic like that. So, MOM, if you found my blog, you WON’T want to read this post. Trust me.
Anyway, for those of you who couldn’t care less about my “romantic” life (HA! Trust me, there was no romance in my little experience with Pepé), there’s another update on general life-type stuff… well, bitching. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? It may not be as ‘attention-grabbing’ as the Pepé stuff, but it’s infinitely more appropriate for public consumption. Sorry – my life is pretty boring, except for when it gets really, really, really messed up and creates causes for guilt and shame.
June 17, 2008 – No More Drinking In Public
Right… so I’ve just posted about the week AFTER Pepé informed me that he’d been hitting on me. I know, I know; I said no more drinking on school nights, but… I was curious. So sue me. I also didn’t want to sit at home on a perfectly good night. Sorry it took so long to post, but… I’ve been lazy.
There are another couple of posts coming up (one of them concerning Pepé and his smarmy, charming, French Lothario ways) but it won’t be for a while because the Gods are punishing my “indiscretions” with strep throat. I know! It’s friggin’ AWFUL! I’ve never had it before and now I know why everyone whines about it – I’ve felt about a step from death since saturday! Four days of a fever is pushing it, I’d say. Wah. Poor Megs. Since it hurts to THINK about swallowing, I’m hoping that this will lead to weight loss. Fingers crossed!
May 21, 2008
Okay… now I’m just a CURSED imbecile. Just tried to go on lunch and managed to get stuck in the elevator at work. What makes it suck even MORE is that I was on my way to meet my Mom, Gramma and Great Aunt for lunch! Of COURSE, I got caught in the elevator on my way to meet them, not on the way back. Typical.
So I was stuck in the elevator, about half a foot above the ground floor, for about 45 minutes. Thank the Gods I had my purse with me (meaning I had a book, my iPod and my phone)! And my friend, Georgia. No, I was alone in the elevator, but I managed to get Georgia on the phone and she came and stood beside the elevator, having a yelled conversation with me while I waited for the elevator guy to show up.
Of course, once I got out and met up with my Mom, Gramma and Great Aunt, the first thing my Gramma asked was if there had been an attractive man in the elevator with me. I had to tell her no, I was alone… Next time, I’ll have to plan it better.
May 20, 2008 – No More Drinking on School Nights
Yup, still an imbecile, only this time it’s for a much stupider reason.
May 15, 2008
I’m an imbecile. Aside from the surreality that seems to be taking over my life (my life is turning into a zany sitcom, without musical accompaniment and laugh track), I truly am a DOLT.
Here’s why (well, this week’s reason): I live on the ground floor, near the back of my building. My kitchen, bathroom and bedroom windows are all on the same side of the building. I frequently open the window in my kitchen, as well as the one in my living room, to get a bit of a cross-breeze going through my apartment.
I am also the wussiest person on Earth – I was sitting here at my computer the other day, and I heard knocking coming from outside. I was too afraid to actually go and SEE what was doing the knocking because I had somehow convinced myself that the knocking was, in fact, some heretofore-unknown serial killer that knocks on the outside wall before he kills his victims. No joke! I have a very, very, VERY active imagination. That’s the reason why I can’t watch horror movies – even the tame ones! They’ll keep me up at night for WEEKS.But I digress. Eventually, I got up and looked out the window and found that the knocking sound was actually my upper neighbour, putting up a curtain rod.
But back to the point of the story: I’m a TOOL. Even after having scared the crap out of myself with the ‘Knock Knock Killer’ (oooh, I should write a suspense novel based on that name alone!), I STILL managed to get lax in my home security.
I was in the shower the next morning, washing the sleepiness away, and it suddenly hit me – “Did I close the kitchen window last night?” Yes, the kitchen window – the room with all the FOOD in it and the only window in my apartment with no screen. It also dawned on me as I was naked and dripping that if I HAD left the window open all night, any manner of local wildlife could have moved in to my apartment – squirrels, raccoons, rats, bats, birds… that creepy guy who lives beside the laundry room. YIKES!
So, I ran out of the shower, grabbed a towel (well, I do have SOME propriety, thank you. I was going to stand in front of a window, for God’s sake!) and ran into the kitchen. Sure enough, that f*cker was WIDE, WIDE open, allowing access to every critter from here to Timbukthree. Excellent. So now, imagine me, hair wet and dripping, towel wrapped haphazardly around me and no glasses, standing in my living room, trying to determine if any of the enormous raccoons in my neighbourhood had taken up residence under my chesterfield during the night.
To my most enormous relief, it seems that all is clear. I hope.
May 14, 2008 – Shooting Myself in the Foot… Some More
Okay, prepare yourselves for a long post, full of self-pity. Lucky you!
Oh, and I’m finding that May is turning out to be a rather good month, money wise (well, so far, at least). First, I got my income tax return back (which was subsequently spent on things other then what it was earmarked for. Oops), and this week, I got TWO paycheques in one week! Whooo hooo!
I guess becoming a Qualified Temp means that they adjusted my pay schedule to the same one as the Permanent people. When I first started, I had to work a month before getting paid, whereas the Permanents get paid two weeks after the pay period closes. So, in order to catch me up, they gave me two cheques. I’m RICH!!!
Well, okay… maybe not RICH, but certainly in a better place, financially, than I was two days ago. Yippee!
April 30,2008
Just got back from dinner with my cousin, which was lovely. On the way there, though, I called my wee bro to tell him some family happenings (he’s not in the email loop) and he sort of thrust into the conversation the fact that he’d gone to the pub last night and had run into Pepe. And a girl. The girl was NOT the one he took off with on Saturday night, but a friend of my wee bro’s (and mine. And, until recently, a lesbian).
Apparently, they’d made plans to ‘get together’ and my brother just HAD to share this information with me – normally, he doesn’t volunteer ANY information, EVER. Talking to him is like pulling teeth from someone who won’t open their mouth. :-S I’m kind of wondering if he’s picked up on the fact that I have the hots for his friend and maybe he doesn’t like it so much. Hrm (well, he actually TOLD me after I met Pepe for the first time that he doesn’t like that I have the hots for this particular friend, and actually tried to pimp out his other friends to me!).
What sucks is that my wee bro’s information actually made me sad (even after the brush-off, I guess I still had some hope. Typical). First, the cop doesn’t call. Then I get the brush-off and now the flirty fun Pepe is going out with the until-recently-lesbian. Honestly! What does a girl have to DO around here to get and keep a guy’s attention for more than ten minutes?! Yeesh.
April 29, 2008
Okay… I have officially decided that the Universe is trying to tell me something. First, I have this wicked-ass night on Wednesday (see My Most Surreal Life for a refresher), and feel like the prettiest girl at the party. Marvellous, right?
Then Saturday night, the biggest flirt of Wednesday night (he KISSED my neck! At a table with other people there!) TOTALLY brushes me off (most harsh) and this morning, I pretty much walked right into “Peter” the cop. He looked right at me and kept on walking. Hrm. I guess that explains why he hasn’t called.
Ugh. Did I miss a memo from the Universe or something? Because this sucks sweaty llama toe.
April 26, 2008 – The Return & My Most Surreal Life
It’s a two-fer posting day!
I’m sad to report a couple of returns to my office. Sadly, one of them was the return of the MONDO BITCH Harpy # 3. Apparently, she can’t stand to see me happy. Typical.
My life got extra surreal on Wednesday night… like, I’m still not even sure it all really happened. Read & tell me what you think.
April 22, 2008 – Qualified, Tying Gramma & Sake!
So it’s been a year since I started my job. Wow – who knew I’d survive a whole YEAR?!
The weather’s heating up and I had possibly the worst sleep of my life last night (mainly, there wasn’t any real sleeping). I’m paranoid and can’t sleep with my windows open (I’m on the ground floor), so I have many fans trained on my sleeping body during the summer. This year, with my handy-dandy tax return, I’m hoping to get an Air Conditioner… even though I’ll have to add another $25/month to my rent, to cover the hydro cost. Hrm. :-S
Apparently my parents are coming for a visit this weekend, and they’re bringing me a TV! Whooo hooo! My uncle got himself a new plasma tv, and wanted to get rid of his old 32″ tv, so my parents took it off his hands. I happened to be there when this happened, and mentioned that I wouldn’t say no to taking my parents’ old tv of THEIR hands… and now I have a new 27″ tv (my other one is only 20″)!!
Of course, it was too big (yay!) to fit in my wee car, so my parents offered to bring it down to me. They also offered me their tv stand, which is an old wooden chest that we’ve had as long as I can remember… YAY! First, I got from Gramma the chinese tea cups that we used for drinking juice when we were kids, then she gave me her (now antique) Christmas Elves, and NOW I’m getting the tv stand that we all grew up with! Gods, I’m lucky. Now if I could only figure out a way to finagle the dining set out from under my sister…
April 17, 2008 – Taxes & Walking Myself to Death?
Apparently spring is here, if the amount that I sweated on the weekend is any indication. Who knew? I thought that winter would never leave, and in all honesty, I didn’t really have a problem with it. Although, I must say, the thought of patio season does excite me greatly.
Speaking of the weekend, I’m sure you all know that I did the 10km MS Walk on April 13th. It was the first time I’ve done a whole 10kms in one go since high school, I think… I did the Walk last year, but I had the kidney infection, so I only made it for the front 5km. It’s too bad, because the back 5kms are the prettiest. And, as you’ll read in the latest post, they are also the funniest.
April 8, 2008 – My Surreal Subway & Falling (again)
So, I’m a snot machine. Oh ya, that’s me. Sexy! I have a HOOR of a cold (we’ll get to the reason for that in just a bit) and I am 18 different kinds of hot right now. No joke! I wake up in a sweat in the middle of the night! I had to change my sleep shirt twice last night. I’m guessing this means I’m sick. Man, in the fall I went and let a complete stranger poke me in the arm with a needle full of anti-flu stuff, in a public place! I should be IMMUNE to ALL things after that ordeal, Gods DAMMIT!
So, I can hear you ask, “WHY do you have this cold? What could you have possibly done to deserve this?” Well, thank you for asking. I’ll tell you. I did NOTHING. Get that? NOTHING. I just (foolishly) turned up for work every day. One of the Harpies was sick about a month ago and was off work for about a week (the same week that Bossman went AWOL). She came back for about two weeks, then got sick again but INSISTED in coming in to work. We all BEGGED her to go home – me most specifically because I don’t get paid for sick time. If I’m too sick to go to work, I lose money. Not cool.
Anyway, she INSISTED on staying until the Manager pretty much gave her the boot. Wouldn’t you know it, two days later I come up sick, and it’s only gotten worse since then. It started last week as a headache and a sore throat and has now progressed to the full-head, dry cough, sniffly, extra-sexy stage. This morning, a co-worker came up to me and said, “You look terrible. The palest I’ve ever seen you, and you’re PALE to begin with.” I was like, “Um, thanks?” and then, “But, I put on makeup today!” See, in my world, if you take the time to put on eyeliner AND mascara AND lipstick, you should look like the picture of health, even if you’re on death’s doorstep. Apparently, my makeup technique needs some work.
So, consider this a bit of an SOS. I have this bracelet that I LOVE but never wear because it has a twist-on clasp and I can’t twist the f*cker on by myself, so I have to have someone else do it. I last had my Auntie put it on for me at the MS Fundraiser on Sunday (at which we managed to raise $6,000!! WHOOO hooo!) and neglected to get anyone help me take it off, so I’m still wearing it. :-S Yet another reason why I need a boyfriend – add “putting on/removing difficult jewellery” to the list of reasons to have a man around, right after “rubbing moisturizer on my back”.
The newest post has yet more evidence of just how much of an idiot I am… this time on a subway. I’m banging my head off the desk as I type this.
March 25, 2008 – Some (not quite dirty but certainly shameful) Secrets…
Oddly enough, work today wasn’t as awful as I thought it would be. I guess I’m still adjusting to the ever-stressed (and stressful) Bossman being out, and Harpy #1 retiring (although she calls twice a day – no joke!).
Anyway, more dorkiness displayed in the latest post, as well as a healthy dose of bitching about the TTC. Enjoy!
March 24, 2008 – Dorkiness, Surprise Tanning & Lost Generations
So, I just had a 4-day weekend and it was LONG. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not eager to get back to work (in fact, I was so upset at work on Thursday that I was thisclose to just quitting and having that kind of stress out of my life – no wonder the Bossman had a frickin’ nervous breakdown!), but when everyone you know has plans, it makes for a long time alone in your house. I WAS supposed to go out to see my Gramma, but she actually cancelled on me! Can you believe it?! You know your life is pretty pathetic when you GRANDMOTHER tells you that she’s accepted another invitation (in all honesty, I suspect that she forgot that I’d said I would come out on that day – she’s 90. She’s allowed to have a few ’senior moments’).
I was also supposed to have a girlfriend and her boyfriend for dinner on friday night, but when they showed up at 10.30pm, their excuse was that they hadn’t understood that the phrase, “Come to my place for dinner. I’m BBQing pork tenderloin. The boyfriend is welcome as well.” meant for them to come for DINNER. Even when girlfriend had texted back, “Okay, see you this evening”, apparently she wasn’t aware that she was agreeing to DINNER.
So, they kept their own plans for the day, and then stopped by his parents’ house on the way back to the city (where friend texted me to tell me they’d be late, but remember, they say they didn’t know it was for dinner!) and then headed back into the city. Regardless, they showed up at almost 11pm for dinner, ate politely and then stayed until almost 3am, bickering between themselves (well, they bickered while the boyfriend was AWAKE) while I tried desperately to think of safe conversation topics. All in all, not an enjoyable dining experience.
Ugh. Enough complaining – sorry! There’s much less bitching in the newest post, and I freely demonstrate my complete dorkiness, so it should be entertaining for everyone that isn’t ME. Enjoy!
March 14, 2008 – Ding Dong, the Harpie’s Gone!
Yay! Harpy #1 retires today and I swear, my soul feels a tiny bit lighter for it. Bossman is still out of commission and we haven’t heard anything new so wild conjecture has kind of turned into a new office sport. Poor Bossman.
I’m also having an “All-Purpose Party” on Saturday… here’s hoping all goes well! I’ve broken three dishes in the last three days, so I’m praying that’s not a sign of anything… Yikes!
March 12, 2008 – What did YOU do at work today?
Holy crap, what a day! I *was* going to post about the Harpies and whatnot, but this newest work development trumps every story the Harpies have told me. Ever. No joke!
So I’m having an “All-Purpose Party” on Saturday. It’s part (late) birthday party, part (very late) housewarming party and mostly St. Patrick’s Day party. I’m doing corned beef (the first time! I hope it turns out edible!) and potatoes and I think I’ve spent about a MINT in decorations from the Dollar Store. Oh ya, man, I’m cheap like that. I’m hoping this means that my apartment will be deliciously tacky for the party, and no one will notice that I don’t necessarily have enough chairs.
February 29, 2008 – Wedding Dances & My Fantasy E-mail Filter…
So, today is “Leap Day”. Everyone and their brothers keep informing me that “today is MY day”. At first, I foolishly thought that I’d won something or that something good happened. Ya, like I’ve said a million times, I’m a TOOL.
Apparently, it’s some antiquated “tradition” (I don’t think it was ever actually formally observed or anything) that, on Leap Days, women were allowed to propose to men. Ooh, novel – in about 1810! But explain to me WHY, in this day and age, do I have random a**holes that I work with (and happen to know that I’m single) coming up to me and telling me that this is a “special day” for me?! I’m SINGLE. It’s 2008. Do these idiots honestly think that I’m so desperate that I’m happy it’s Leap Day, so I can propose to random men on the street or something? Please.
So, I got a card from my Aunt the other day – a St. Patrick’s Day card, like a month early. She’s organized, but this is a bit too organized, you know?! Yeesh. It made me snicker way too hard. I know it looks as if she didn’t write anything in it, but I promise, the inside flap is covered in her perfect, elementary school teacher handwriting. In fact, it says that she saw this card and wondered who would appreciate it as much as she did… and she thought of me! She also says that she sent it early so that I could “enjoy it longer”. No joke!
February 21, 2008 – The Eclipse & The Morning Ritual
Ya, so there’s been a lot of posting going on recently. Either this is a testament to my less-than-exciting life, or it’s just that my life has been extra-exciting and I feel the need to share. Um… ya, I’d say the former is the most likely (although, I wish that the latter were the case… but what can you do, right?). Whatever. It’s my blog. I can be as pathetic as I like. So there.
I think the person in the apartment above me fell out of bed this morning or something. I was lying in bed, trying not to be awake before my alarm clock went off (I’ve been having a particularly vicious bout of insomnia lately), and I heard a terrific thump on the ceiling. Scared the bejeezus out of me AND made sure that there was no way I was going back to sleep. Funny thing is, I didn’t hear anything after the bump, so if they DID fall out of bed, I guess they slept on the floor for another half hour. Mmm… sleeping on hardwood… comfy!
So, there was a full lunar eclipse last night! More on that and my morning ritual in the latest post…
February 19th, 2008 – “Family Day” & “Sleeping” in the Wick!
So, yesterday was Ontario’s first official “Family Day”. Snort. I highly doubt that anyone used it to ‘celebrate’ their families. Most people either got the hell out of Dodge on friday, or else they had to work it, like ME (without time and a half, as the cleaning crew and cafeteria staff got… lucky BASTARDS!).Ya. Apparently, the Board decided that they give us more than the required holidays (they give us 10, when I guess there are 9 actual statutory holidays), so the cheap-ass bastards decided that they couldn’t afford to let us have ONE more off. This is from the Board who decreed that I only got 2 days off at Christmas. What the hell?! I thought the whole point of working for the government was that we got a sweeter deal than the rest of the rabble out there?! So far, in my experience, my government job has led to having to work on holidays and having to beg for time off to go to doctors’ appointments. So, in short, NOT the sweet deal I thought it would be. Typical. And to add insult to injury, I thought there would at least be eye candy with this job (cute boys would make it so much more bearable). Leave it to ME to get a job at man-central and get stuck in an office with the Harpies!
February 14th, 2008 (a.k.a. Carnage Day) – What the “F”?! & More Rockin’ the Soft Rock!
Carnage Day is upon us. Gag. Oddly enough, it seems to have affected my office. The heretofore snarky-ass Harpies are laughing and carrying on, and the boss bought us all a giant bouquet. WTF?! I’m going with Body Snatchers. There is no other possible explanation!I spent WAY too much money on the 13th, so I opted out of public Carnage Day festivities and had full intentions of watching a movie like “300” (high body count, quality gore and lots of pretty men with accents in loincloths – it’s the PERFECT movie!), but I somehow passed out COLD on my couch. No joke! I almost NEVER pass out, but apparently I was tired, because I woke up at about 10pm, having missed Lost. I’ll never forgive myself.
Speaking of the dreaded day, I got a Valentine’s card (apparently, Hallmark hasn’t caught on to the fact that there ARE people who want to make fun of this “holiday”. The only Valentine cards I could find were all CHEESE.) from my Auntie! I found it in my mailbox after a really, really bad day at work and it was like getting a long-distance hug – just what I needed at that moment. I don’t mind telling you; I nearly cried!. She’s so sweet, my Auntie. .
February 8, 2008
Okay, so the cleaning of my apartment didn’t work – the bad luck is still with me, and apparently pissed at me for trying to give it the boot, because it kicked my ass AGAIN this morning. Yup, I frickin’ wiped out on the SAME DAMN STEPS AGAIN this morning. I even fell on the same knee (this time, at least, I fell on the FRONT of the knee, rather than the side, like on Monday)! Honestly. I should win an award for “Most Absurd”. My sister e-mailed me that I needed to get some kneepads, stat. Ugh. I’ve tried to take photos of the brilliant bruising, but they don’t seem to come out (I think the flash illuminating my pale-ass skin is making it hard to see the bruise, but you would think the opposite would be true, wouldn’t you? Huh. Go figure.). It’s such an adventure being me.
And, to make matters more worrisome, a friend of mine reminded me that “bad things happen in threes”, and apparently, this means that I’ve got yet another fall in my near future. Well, at least this time I can expect it and be semi-prepared… I’ll try to make sure I fall on the other knee next time. I need to even up the bruising and swelling – I can’t go around all lopsided!
Okay, add more stuff to the surreal list. Tonight, I ordered a pizza for dinner (I know, bad Megs). The buzzer at the door isn’t working, so the pizza guy called me to tell me that my food was here. I went out to meet him, and found him there with another resident from my building. After some conversation, we figured out that the pizza guy was delivering two pizzas, and that the other resident had just signed MY credit card slip. Damn! He apologised profusely, then the pizza guy compared the two slips and asked me my apartment number. I told him and the other resident looked at me and said, “This is weird – I just moved out of your apartment in July!” Oooh, chills!So, he introduced himself (Steven, apparently) and told me that he’d lived here with his ex, and that if he’d known that she was going to “split”, he’d have stayed here himself. HA! SUCKER! I got the GOOD apartment! He was very nice, seemed to be approaching 40 (if not past it)… very polite. Shook my hand and all. Interesting, in a surreal way.
February 6, 2008 – Isadora – Oh, the fantasy! Oh, the fraud…
Right… so on the 5th, the day after I took the header on the steps, I was pretty much unable to walk. My knees were so friggin’ swollen that my pants actually felt tight (and trust me, having your pants feel tight around your KNEES does NOTHING for your ego. Nothing!) and I pretty much hobbled around everywhere. Oh ya, I was super sexy. Don’t kid yourself – I was hotness personified. Especially with swollen knees, which I’m told is considered quite the turn-on in some circles (it must be, since Paris Hilton spends all her time on HER knees, which I’m sure makes them quite swollen… and there’s always a line up for her. Go figure.).
Today, thank the Gods, was MUCH better, AND I’m getting the kind of quality bruising that only seems to go with a damage-incurring fall. Excellent! Now that I’m black, purple and blue, you can see my legs! They’re not just white anymore with little brownish freckles on them! I have COLOUR! Christ, I should have thought of this LONG ago! I’ve been ridiculed at work, but not nearly as much as I thought I would be. Mostly the harpies keep hinting that there may be something wrong with me – that it’s not “normal” to hurt one’s self so frequently. One of them keeps telling me to have my inner ears checked, for balance. They just don’t seem to understand what “accident-prone” means (lucky harpies with their scar and bruise-free bodies!). I keep telling them that even though I HATE my job, I didn’t actually THROW myself at the granite steps just to get out of work (which wouldn’t have worked, anyway), but they keep going on about how something’s strange about how much I hurt myself. I honestly think that if they hadn’t witnessed the klutziness themselves, and if I had a boyfriend, they would think I was in an abusive relationship – if ONLY so they’d have something to talk about. Yeesh.
That’s about all that’s interesting in my life so far… I cleaned today and came across something kind of fun – it’s in today’s post, “Isadora…” Enjoy!
February 4, 2008 – The Monday Conspiracy & Other Stuff
I should really have one of those “X-Number of Days Injury-Free” signs on my back, or on my desk. Really! I should be taking bets on how long it will be until I injure myself and bleed again. I think I might have made it a whole couple of months before today, when I apparently made up for last time by bleeding from two places at once. Marvellous.
As of today, I have decided that my life is in danger. The Stairs are gaining ground in their nefarious plot to kill me – I’m not joking! Today, I was walking up the stairs in front of my workplace, minding my own business, when they suddenly jumped a foot away from me, thereby causing me to trip and bloody both of my knees! THEN there was the requisite trip to the Medical office (it was like going to the Nurse’s office in school… except we never had a nurse in school, so I guess it was more like going to the Nurse’s office in a MOVIE about school), where I damn near passed out. Excellent! Gods, when did I become such a baby?!
On a slightly less sinister note, I also managed to give myself two paper cuts and spill half my yogourt all over myself. It was a MONDAY, in the worst sense of the word. Grrrr, Mondays! I shake my fist!
January 29, 2008 – The Cottage and a Reason to Watch Golf…
Today is my friend Aynslie’s birthday – Happy Birthday, Paisley! I always love it when other people age. Is that mean?I have finally put up something new, and if you persevere through it, you will be rewarded (or punished, depends on how much you like looking at me, I guess)! But act quickly, because said “reward” will likely be removed very, very quickly.
January 15, 2008 – A Very Uthagonican New Year’s…
Okay, sorry it took me so long, but I’ve FINALLY put up the New Year’s Eve stuff. I know – I’m late for everything. Really, though, you should be used to it by now. 
January 1, 2008 – Christmas Wrap-Up
Holy crap, it’s 2008. I just got used to writing 2007 on everything! I’m screwed. I actually wrote 2006 on something last week. Proof positive that I’m behind the times, I guess… not that that’s a shock to anyone. There’s a very, very long write-up on Christmas and all the fun that I had in “Christmas Wrap-Up”. Be prepared, though, and get yourself your tea and visit the washroom before you attempt to read it – it’s LONG. Never fear, the New Year’s summation is coming up… and, if I can manage it, there may just be some pictures! Happy New Year!
December 28, 2007 – Only in Toronto, More Footwear & Plant Murderer!
Well, Christmas is over and done, and New Year’s Eve looms high and bright on the horizon. As is becoming typical, I have no plans for New Year’s. It seems that most of the people I know have all been invited to a party (at some guy’s house – I don’t know him, hence my lack of invite), and everyone else has their own plans… so, it’s looking like it will be a pizza/movie/wine night for me again, same as last year. I don’t really mind, I just kind of wish it wasn’t my only option. [Sigh]. The crappiness of singleness during holidays.
Speaking of singleness, I am actually OFFICIALLY the last single person in this gods-forsaken city. It seems that by moving back to Ontario, I’ve traded the opportunity for romance (well, it *seemed* easier to meet men in Alberta) for proximity to my family. Hrm. Not a bad trade, but maybe I should try to get the family in on getting me a man, eh? Family’s all well and good, don’t get me wrong, but they won’t rub my feet or bring me flowers, or… other stuff. The stuff you need a boyfriend for. You know. Wink, wink. Anyway, more on my lonely single status later.
So, I am currently voice-free. I caught a cold last week, and it seemed to be a 24-hour thing , because I felt fine on Monday (the 24th)… until about 10pm, when I started coughing. And sniffling. By the next day, I was beginning to lose my voice and couldn’t stop sniffling long enough to put down the kleenex box. Oh, and did I mention the fever? Sexy. So, picture me, at my parents’ house for Christmas, sleeping in the basement on an air mattress on the floor, feverish, sniffling & snarfing and generally feeling like a bag of reheated poop. YAY! Happy Christmas to us ALL! I’m sure it was a real pleasure for all of my family to have to listen to me whine (and snore, according to my brother) and complain, not to mention the annoying rasp when I started losing my voice. And I wonder why I’m single?!
Anyway, there’s another rant about irresponsible footwear (gasp!) and my attempted assassination of some innocent houseplants, while at a Christmas party (before having had anything to drink!) in “Only in Toronto…”. I know how you enjoy my delusional rantings… hope you enjoy these! Happy New Year!
November 28, 2007 – Stupid Stilettos & One Night Stands: Mother Approved!
Not much news lately here… I’m a year older, and hating it. I haven’t had a birthday party yet – I’m thinking of waiting until January, when people aren’t quite so busy, and making it a belated birthday/housewarming/re-gifting party. We all know that we’ll have something we want to re-gift, not to mention all the leftovers that we’ll need to foist off on our friends.
There’s a new page at the top, called “Speaking Uthagonican”. It’s not all that interesting, but it describes all the Harpies I work with, as well as some of my more frequent terms (labelled “Uthagonican” because no one else seems to use them, but I use them enough that my family and close friends know what I’m saying). Be prepared, though, the Harpy descriptions are LONG. It was the only way to do them any kind of justice without a frickin’ photo.
Also, to the first time visitors to Uthagon… the stories posted here *may* contain content that you feel is inappropriate (language, mostly. We all know there’s nothing inappropriate in my actual LIFE… more’s the pity). Sorry if I offend you… well, actually, not so much. It’s MY blog, so suck it up!
