Oh. My. PANTHEON (that’s right – that’s a whole slew of Gods. A better curse than just that one puny God)! What a day! I swear, I’m living on a soap opera in progress! Drama!
Today started like any other - meaning that I woke up late, rushed through the morning, had to run to catch the bus (which I actually caught – whoo hoo!), etc. But, I actually got to work five minutes early! Unheard of! So, I sauntered into the office, all ready to be loud and thereby demonstrate to my crusty-ass (lately) Bossman that I, too, can be early to work (he starts at 8am but he’s in the office every day by 7.15am. He’s also supposed to be done work at 4pm, but I’ve *never* seen him leave at that time. He always stays late. Sad.), but his office was dark. Strange.
I asked one of the Harpies if Bossman was in today, and I was told, “Ya, I think so. We haven’t seen him, but other people have.” (they all start at 7.30am, I start at 8am). Um. The way they said it made me think we were talking about a mythical beast or something, but whatever. So what if he missed my triumphant early entrance? I decided instead that I would demonstrate to him just how dedicated I am (Harpy #1 is retiring at the end of this week -hallelujah!- and I’ve applied for her job. Fingers and toes crossed, people!) by being working diligently and quietly at my desk when he returned to the office, while the Harpies were clustered at the other end of the office, gossiping.
Sadly, my chance to demonstrate my diligence never came, because Bossman sort of never surfaced. By about 8.15am, no one had seen him since about 7.15am and people were wandering into the office, asking for him. At this point, Harpy #1 starts spouting off about how unusual it is for Bossman to leave the office without indicating where he was going, or if he was going to be late. Cue the speculation (he could be bringing something to his son, who’s in residence a couple of blocks away; he could be in the cafe, getting some tea; he could be in the Employment Unit, going over applications for Harpy #1’s job… etc.).
At about 8.25am, Bossman called Harpy #3’s line (not the main line? Curiouser and curiouser!) and told her that he didn’t think he would be in today, as he wasn’t feeling well. Harpy #3’s a dumbass and was so shocked she couldn’t form a sentence (well, she can’t at the best of times, but that’s beside the point),so she handed the phone off to Harpy #1. At least Harpy #1 has the ability to construct entire sentences. Either way, Bossman told both Harpies that he wasn’t feeling well, that he wasn’t going to come in to work today and that he was at the mall across the street. Harpy #1 must have fallen onto a defibrillator because apparently her marble heart started beating and she said to him, “Bossman, you’re not sounding too good… do you want to go to a hospital or something?” To which we’re told he replied, “… I’m just going to sit here for a while and see how I feel.” and hung up. Beyond weird!
In the gossip-fest that ensued, we learned the following: At approximately 7.15am, Bossman was spotted on his way to the Gym (there’s one in the building) by two Managers from another office. The two Managers were in an elevator, arguing about the new Supreme Boss, when my Bossman got on the elevator. The argument continued (both Managers have a fairly close working relationship with Bossman), and Bossman got off the elevator at the Gym.
He was then spotted again at approximately 7.40am, in the mall across the street. The woman that saw him works in the office across the hall, and she said that he looked like death, warmed over. Apparently she bounced up to him (she’s perky) and asked him if he was ready for another glorious day at work. It seems that he pretty much grunted at her. Hrm. He’s not exactly the most loquacious at the best of times (‘taciturn’ was how he described himself – no joke!), but grunting is a bit much, even for him at his least friendly.
The next time we heard from him was when he called from the mall at 8.20am. Of course, being that they LOVE the drama and the gossip, the Harpies got off the phone with Bossman and promptly ran across the hall to the other Managers there. According to Harpy #1, Bossman had sounded, “Really weird. Calling in sick is really out of character for him.” She’s right about that – a couple of weeks ago, Bossman and I were talking about sick time, and he told me that in his 30+ years with the company, he’d only called in sick 11 times. 11TIMES! WTF?! The man has something like 7 weeks a year in holidays, PLUS accrued sick time (it never goes away – you accrue time into a “sick bank” and it NEVER goes away, unless you use it) AND Senior Officer Days – which are free “stress days” to deal with the pressure of being a Manager. I’ve been there a year. He’s taken exactly one week’s holidays and three Senior Officer Days, and he called in to work every single day he was away. In fact, when anyone is away for more than one day (even if the absence is work-related), he calls them AT HOME to see how they’re doing. That can’t be right.
Anyway, while the Harpies were sensationalizing and gossiping their little cement hearts out in the office across the hall, Almost Harpy and I talked about what wethought was going on. Since Harpy # 2 has been out sick for a week and a half, we figured that maybe Bossman had contracted the same thing, and had just decided to go home (in fact, we thought he had the sh*ts and had hung up on Harpy #1 because he had to go ‘do his business’. These women tend to over-dramatize things, so we were trying to be realistic about it). Since we’re both used to the Harpies blowing pretty much everything out of proportion, we were pretty sure that this dramatic “there’s something wrong with Bossman” line was pretty much just their desperate attempt to liven up the office.
It turned out that, by telling the other Managers across the hall that Bossman had called and been odd, the other Managers decided they should have a look for Bossman. One of them checked the Gym, another checked the mall (don’t even know where you would START to look for someone in a MALL) and the Harpies went to the front desk in the lobby (called the Duty Desk).I guess the guy working the duty desk was an ex-boyfriend of Harpy #3’s, so they went and sweet-talked him into caring that the Bossman was MIA.
Next thing we know, they’re calling out a police car to go look for Bossman! They even had an Inspector come to ask for a picture of Bossman from his file, so they knew who they were looking for! Wha-haa? All this because the man called in sick, which isn’t his ‘usual behaviour”? Um. He’s SICK. I know the man is a workaholic, but even workaholics are allowed to call in sick, dammit! So, picture me, at my desk, wildly rolling my eyes. I was convinced that the Harpies were just creating drama from nothing.
Suddenly, everything snowballed. Apparently, the cops found Bossman in the mall (but we don’t know where, or in what state),and escorted him to a hospital not too far away. Huh. We were told that he was “Okay… but not OKAY.” Ooh, descriptive. We assumed that meant that he was PHYSICALLY fine… mentally, maybe less so. So, okay, I was wrong about the whole IBS/flu thing, but still. Aren’t we all just overreacting here? I kept telling everyone not to blow it out of proportion, and that it could be something as innocent as missing a dose of medication or something.
THEN one of the Managers from across the hall decided that she just couldn’t LIVE without knowing “how he’s doing” (read: what’s wrong with him) and took herself off to the hospital to see him. I couldn’t believe it! All I could think was how easily I’d gotten off when I was in the ER and the Harpies just CALLED me. Imagine if they’d come to SEE me?! I could just imagine how embarrassed poor Bossman would be when he got better. Could you imagine?!
After the other Manager took off to the hospital, we learned that she’d called Bossman’s wife, to tell her that her husband had been AWOL for a couple of hours this morning, but he’d been found and brought to hospital. Apparently, wifey declined going to the hospital to see her husband, as she had to take her 17-year-old daughter to the dentist in the afternoon. WHAT?! Honestly. WTF?! So, we started guessing that perhaps it wasn’t just job stress that was getting Bossman down. Jeez, even just thinking about it now makes my heart hurt for Bossman. What kind of person doesn’t go see their spouse in the HOSPITAL?! Poor Bossman. 
Anyway, by about 12.30pm, we’d had an update that Bossman had been moved from the first hospital to a mental health facility - because the hospital that he was taken to doesn’t have a psych ward. Hrm. The only update we had on his condition was from the Manager that was at the hospital with him, who said that he seemed “a little better”. Better than what?! I have no idea what the problem was in the first place! Yeesh. I was trying desperately to take the high road against the Harpies, and professed my indifference at knowing what the problem was (because, really, we don’t need to know the PROBLEM, just that our Boss was in the hospital), but inside, you know I was DYING to know.
At 1pm, a member of the Employee & Family Assistance Program (I think he’s essentially a grief counsellor… although I don’t think the Bossman’s illness had really ‘affected’ us all that much, as sad as it is to say) had shown up at our office, and he talked to us (it was actually more like a sermon – it was exactly like being in church, but without the depressing guy hanging on the cross at the front of the room) for 50 minutes! The Harpies had all disconnected from their phones for the time being (they’d been on the phone all day long, spreading the news. Heartless. At least here, I’m not using names, so no one knows who I’m talking about… but the Harpies were calling people WITHIN the company) and listened attentively, like good little employees. It was strange… most of the guy’s talk didn’t seem to have anything to do with anything else, but he ended with, “I believe Bossman will be okay. He’s just taking some time right now. You’ll have him back, good as new, soon.” I swear I heard Harpy #1 groan.
The last we heard, the Bossman was still in the mental health facility, the Manager still with him. Apparently, his doting wife (ya right) had agreed to come down to the facility AFTER the daughter’s dental appointment (um… how is it that a 17-year-old can’t get to and from a friggin’ appointment on her own? OR, maybe, why can’t they reschedule because husband/daddy’s in the HOSPITAL?! Christ, that makes me mad). We left work five minutes early (sshhhh! don’t tell!) and all agreed that we would be having a glass (or three) of wine when we got home. I’m almost afraid to go in tomorrow… I can tell you, NO work got done today. Oh man… the drama!
That is very dramatic! more then what happens around these government halls!! What about the new job?? When will you hear anything about it? That’s exciting! Permanent? More benefits? More pay? Tell me Tell me! You can tell me when I stop in for corned beef on Saturday… What can I bring?
Sounds like your company could use a good HR director to explain the HIPPA laws to those managers “in the know” about what happened and how they should have just said the bossman was going to be out of the office for the day.
Instead, they call a counselor!?!!? WTF….I guess you are in the U.S.
Have I stumbled upon a script for The Office?…cause it sure sounds like one. This is exactly why that show is so popular. This is hilarious.
Dana: The drama has slowed down, but there are daily calls, asking about Bossman’s status. It’s so funny, because people are trying to be all sly about it and like, sneak it into conversation. As IF they need to call – Harpy #2 would take out an ad in the Star if she knew anything!
IntuitivelyObvious: I know what you’re saying – so much for working in a “secure” environment (I work for the municipal government), eh? When you can’t even trust Managers to keep big stuff like this to themselves, it’s a pretty sad state of affairs!
I’m actually in Canada, so we don’t have HIPPA laws, but I’m willing to bet that our Privacy Act covers this sort of ‘confidential information’. Got to wonder how they get away with spreading Bossman’s confidential stuff around like this!
It’s funny that you mention The Office – I joke with a coworker all the time that I wish we were writers because we’d make a MINT writing about all the (ahem! Warning: Political Correctness coming up!) ‘totally normal people’ that we work with.